So I took the whole week to organize my new classroom. The classroom looks great! Good for me! Then I find out a rumor that my school enrollment is down 37 students from last year. That's a whole classroom of students that have gone missing. As I spoke to the RSP teacher, who is also our UTLA representative I casually asked if the rumor was true. He immediately went to the new principal to verify the information. The news is dreary. Everything is true.
It looks like my position at Catskill is once again going to close a classroom down, and I will be displaced if the school doesn't find 37 students to enroll by the first week of October. They would have to close mine down not because I'm the one lacking students, but because my 10 years of service to students still doesn't amount to very much to save my position. Unfortunately also, our school is also looking at another clerical staff member losing their position as well, and she happens to be a wealth of resource and well trained in what to do with special education paperwork. She is awesome! I can't believe she has to leave because we didn't make our enrollment numbers.
If only I had the ability to see the future back in June when I accepted this position. Had I known that this was inevitable, I wouldn't have filed my paperwork to return back to work. I would've just taken the rest of 2010 to stay home with Maddy and took advantage of that wonderful FMLA law that enables parents up to a year of childcare leave. I would have extended my leave for another semester and I would've felt a lot better knowing that I'm raising Maddy. I would have all the rest of the this time to work with her at home--language, social, physical, spiritual and other important stuff I can apply from my child development knowledge.
I really miss working with my old principal. He was always so nice and gave me special consideration. He was really up to speed about my work situation and did everything possible to find me the best placement possible. I've seen the new principal, but she doesn't know me at all. I'm just a face amongst the crowd of Catskill staff members. The new principal hasn't even met with me yet to discuss other options. I'm still waiting for her to call me in to her office and even waiting for a note to appear in my mailbox. No word from her. I'd rather know what's really going on now, than to be jerked up and down like a yo-yo. I do not work well under this type of blindfolded suspense. I'd appreciate it more if I have some information at hand, even if it's incomplete, so that I can do something about it--at most pray it through!
I think that if I get displaced for the 2nd time, things will be a lot different. I've developed thicker skin. This time I won't walk back through the hallways, walking the "Walk of Shame" back up to my classroom. No more tears. I've done a lot of that already. This time my heart and mind is mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever changes may come my way. I already have all my teaching materials ready to be packed up in clear storage bins just in case I am needed in a different elementary school within District 8.
Honestly, I've had the hardest time getting my resume together and ask for recommendations this time around from administrators and staff who I have worked closely with for the past 10 years. Asking for recommendations will be the sign that I am gathering whatever I can to move on to the next destination and saying goodbye. It's hard to say goodbye to many of my co-workers. Some of these people I've grown attached to for the simple fact that we went through many of life's milestones together--getting our career established, getting married, getting pregnant and raising children together. It's so hard to move away from friends, but I realize that many working people in America do it all the time. At least I am really fortunate to work at such a great place for the past 10 years of my life.
My mind and body now feels even more stress knowing that once I'm "in the market", at any given time any elementary school principal who wishes to hire can request to come into my classroom to observe my teaching ability. This means that I have to maintain a level of "Open House-ness" to try to make my myself truly marketable. The Open House I'm talking about is pretty much making sure that I'm on top of my game executing lessons, classroom management, classroom environment, student achievement on exams, etc. This also means that I have to spend an hour every morning dressed like a million dollars everyday. Quite honestly my Ann Taylor money suit that I wore to every important teaching related occasion is a size 2. I don't come close to fitting that since I've grown 10 dress sizes much larger.
Doing the "Open House" observation is much more nerve-wracking than a 15 minute sit-down type of interview in a principal's office. Not that I would lie, but do you know how many bad teachers who can lie right through their interview and get hired on the spot? Whereas, if a principal were to observe a teacher in action, there is very little masquerading that can be done in a classroom. I know that I have to work at top notch level this school year. There's no room for mediocrity.
The resume I have is too lengthy according to the ancient rules of resume tradition. I feel that I have done so much at Catskill, my resume doesn't fit neatly in one page. So what? These are the times when I wished opportunities for teaching went by merit and not by seniority. Why should I truncate my resume down to 1 page? A wise principal would see that I love my job and I'm ready for the challenges of the new school year. So many teachers are out looking for jobs, but so few teaching positions are actually out there because of all the budget cuts. This makes the competition steep. I love a good competition. I love winning, but really have to brace myself for rejection because I'm not very good at accepting defeat. Even though rejection and defeat are two different things, they bring out the same kind of lumpy throat feeling when it happens to me.
The big question is do I have the energy to enter this school year with the mind-set of competitiveness? I guess I have no choice but to move forward since I'm already knee deep in this enrollment dilemma. There's no time and opportunity to turn back. I have to trudge through it.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Back To School Blues
It has been a non-stop summer for my family. There was hardly ever a free weekend just to ourselves for relaxing during May, June, July and August. There is such a thing as having too much fun, to the point of exhaustion. There is such a thing as having an over-committed calendar of events. I think that Erwil and I are at the point where we are exhausted and we just want to have our own time--just the 3 of us.
Just when I thought we could finally settle down to relax as a family, guess what I receive in the mail? I received a "Welcome Back" letter from the new principal of my school. My heart sank and my I thought to myself, "Oh noooooo!" Although school officially begins on September 13th, the letter was a reminder for me to get my classroom ready for the new school year. I felt the "Back to School Blues" all of this past weekend as I started to feel overwhelmed just thinking about everything I need to do just to get my classroom and lesson plans ready. I'm so bummed out that I had very few moments this summer just to relax. I'm very disappointed that I took my summer for granted.
For starters, it was such a hard transition for me to wake up today before 6am, get ready for work and get the baby to the her grandma and grandpa's house. Even with all of Erwil's help this morning, departing from the house in a mad rush caused me to forget to eat breakfast and bring my water bottle. The worst part of my day was in the afternoon, leaving campus to pick up Maddy and driving back home in the upper 80 degree heat, AC air not circulating well in the car and slow traffic starting from Carson all the way to Buena Park.
Today was my first official day back to work, but this is all unpaid labor of course! I don't think students and parents know exactly to what extent of sacrificing teachers volunteer for just to make sure everything is ready for school. To come in to work 3 weeks before school officially begins reminds me once again that I didn't choose a teaching career for the money.
My classroom floor has been stripped clean and waxed over the summer. Thankfully, the tables and chairs have all been set up, so I didn't have to do any heavy lifting of desks, tables and chairs. However, I did a lot of heavy lifting of books, computer monitors, audio/visual equipment and boxes of school supplies. You want to know what really killed my strength? I felt so extremely exhausted after taking the entire day to empty out the closets and the boxes sitting on top of the closets. I couldn't stand knowing that there was so much dust sitting on top of my closets, so I swept off all the layers of black dust with a hand broom and dust pan. I deliberately had gone over the closet tops 3 times, and I still had much more dust clinging to the wood. That's how long the blanket of dust was sitting up there. I'm thinking about bringing my Dirt Devil tomorrow to get every last bit of it. At the end of dusting, my peach colored t-shirt was stained gray from the years of dust that had settled on top of the closets. The t-shirt I wore stuck to my torso, not because of static cling but because I drenched it in sweat--even with the AC fan blowing inside my classroom.
I stood on a student chair while I took down all the heavy mystery boxes from the shelves and literally dropped all the boxes down on the floor. "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!," as every box slammed on the floor. I couldn't believe how many library books were stored on top of those shelves, plus the ones stored inside the closets. The families of silverfish bugs were disturbed and scurried out of their musty paper nests. None of the books were organized into any pattern. It will take me at least 2 days to sort through everything by genre and reading level, and then shelved into the bookcases. I think I might have to even toss out many books that look more like 1st and 2nd grade level reading material dated back in the 1960's. What right do these old, yellow-tarnished books have to be kept in a 4th grade classroom?
Finally, I covered all the bulletin boards with cloth and trimmed all the edges with colorful borders. Decorating the bulletin boards helped to make the classroom look a lot less dreary, but I still have so much more cleaning and organizing to do in the next 2 weeks. I look over to the student computers and there is a just a black and blue pile of cables tangled like spaghetti noodles on a platter. It just annoys me to see computer cables tangled that way when there is an unopened bag of 200 rubber bands inside the teacher's desk drawer just waiting their whole entire existence to be used. I just left the computer station as WIP (Work In Progress). Setting up the computers, making sure the printer has ink and is installed correctly, and hooking it onto the Catskill network is left for another day's to do list. I refuse to deal with that mess today. Lights shut off, classroom door slams.
I arrive at the grandparents house. "Did you eat yet? Why don't you eat? What time did you have lunch? You should eat. I made pancit today and you should have some of it," my mother in law greets me at the door. My will succumbs to surrendering to their invitation to eat because I have to be polite to accept their offer in exchange for the free daycare service provided to Maddy.
Even though I had a really late fast food lunch and I am trying to hurry home before drunken exhaustion makes me incapable of driving back home safely, I am engaged into a chatty conversation with my in-laws over a plate of home cooked pancit (Filipino stir fry noodles, similar to Chinese chow mein) and a can of caffeine free Coke. "Out of all the days, why does the Coke served to me have to be caffeine free?," I lamented to myself. As soon as I finished my tiny portion, I hear "You only ate that? Why don't you eat some more? You didn't really eat any and there is a lot of pancit," my father in law offered.
By the time I arrived home (from running errands) at 8pm and parked my car in the garage, I turned around and saw that Maddy was sound asleep in her carseat. I was so tired that if I didn't unbuckle myself from the driver's seat, I too would have fallen asleep in the car. Erwil was already home and he took all of our belongings out of the car.
All I remember was that I told Erwil that I would give Maddy a bath before she sleeps, then I would take a shower after and eat leftovers for dinner. But when I laid my body down on the futon in Maddy's nursery, I passed out. The feeling is very similar to having jet-lag! I just hit a solid brick wall of exhaustion and I felt so incapable to break through it. Dead tired, I fell into a deep slumber without knowing what happened to the rest of the evening. I didn't hear Maddy's babbling or crying. I didn't hear Erwil read her a story. All I knew is that when I woke up from my "nap" it was already 3:30am, lights out, and I am still on the futon stuck to my dirty clothes. While Maddy is sleeping peacefully in her crib, Erwil is snoring away in the master bedroom. How did I miss the opportunity to shower off all that sweaty layer of body scum and eat a warm dinner?
I woke up and took my shower and microwaved a small portion of dinner, only to run into another issue--I cannot fall asleep...AT ALL! (This is why I'm up, wide awake and blogging away.) Disappointed that it's already 5:19am and my alarm is set to ring at 6am, I wonder what my plan of strategy will be. I know all too well that at any given moment, Maddy will rise out of her slumber demanding a diaper change, a fresh bottle of milk and to play with her sleep-deprived mommy. The broken sleep pattern is causing me to have a terrible headache. Do I just try and attempt a cat nap, or do I just keep myself awake for the next 12 hours?
Just when I thought we could finally settle down to relax as a family, guess what I receive in the mail? I received a "Welcome Back" letter from the new principal of my school. My heart sank and my I thought to myself, "Oh noooooo!" Although school officially begins on September 13th, the letter was a reminder for me to get my classroom ready for the new school year. I felt the "Back to School Blues" all of this past weekend as I started to feel overwhelmed just thinking about everything I need to do just to get my classroom and lesson plans ready. I'm so bummed out that I had very few moments this summer just to relax. I'm very disappointed that I took my summer for granted.
For starters, it was such a hard transition for me to wake up today before 6am, get ready for work and get the baby to the her grandma and grandpa's house. Even with all of Erwil's help this morning, departing from the house in a mad rush caused me to forget to eat breakfast and bring my water bottle. The worst part of my day was in the afternoon, leaving campus to pick up Maddy and driving back home in the upper 80 degree heat, AC air not circulating well in the car and slow traffic starting from Carson all the way to Buena Park.
Today was my first official day back to work, but this is all unpaid labor of course! I don't think students and parents know exactly to what extent of sacrificing teachers volunteer for just to make sure everything is ready for school. To come in to work 3 weeks before school officially begins reminds me once again that I didn't choose a teaching career for the money.
My classroom floor has been stripped clean and waxed over the summer. Thankfully, the tables and chairs have all been set up, so I didn't have to do any heavy lifting of desks, tables and chairs. However, I did a lot of heavy lifting of books, computer monitors, audio/visual equipment and boxes of school supplies. You want to know what really killed my strength? I felt so extremely exhausted after taking the entire day to empty out the closets and the boxes sitting on top of the closets. I couldn't stand knowing that there was so much dust sitting on top of my closets, so I swept off all the layers of black dust with a hand broom and dust pan. I deliberately had gone over the closet tops 3 times, and I still had much more dust clinging to the wood. That's how long the blanket of dust was sitting up there. I'm thinking about bringing my Dirt Devil tomorrow to get every last bit of it. At the end of dusting, my peach colored t-shirt was stained gray from the years of dust that had settled on top of the closets. The t-shirt I wore stuck to my torso, not because of static cling but because I drenched it in sweat--even with the AC fan blowing inside my classroom.
I stood on a student chair while I took down all the heavy mystery boxes from the shelves and literally dropped all the boxes down on the floor. "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!," as every box slammed on the floor. I couldn't believe how many library books were stored on top of those shelves, plus the ones stored inside the closets. The families of silverfish bugs were disturbed and scurried out of their musty paper nests. None of the books were organized into any pattern. It will take me at least 2 days to sort through everything by genre and reading level, and then shelved into the bookcases. I think I might have to even toss out many books that look more like 1st and 2nd grade level reading material dated back in the 1960's. What right do these old, yellow-tarnished books have to be kept in a 4th grade classroom?
Finally, I covered all the bulletin boards with cloth and trimmed all the edges with colorful borders. Decorating the bulletin boards helped to make the classroom look a lot less dreary, but I still have so much more cleaning and organizing to do in the next 2 weeks. I look over to the student computers and there is a just a black and blue pile of cables tangled like spaghetti noodles on a platter. It just annoys me to see computer cables tangled that way when there is an unopened bag of 200 rubber bands inside the teacher's desk drawer just waiting their whole entire existence to be used. I just left the computer station as WIP (Work In Progress). Setting up the computers, making sure the printer has ink and is installed correctly, and hooking it onto the Catskill network is left for another day's to do list. I refuse to deal with that mess today. Lights shut off, classroom door slams.
I arrive at the grandparents house. "Did you eat yet? Why don't you eat? What time did you have lunch? You should eat. I made pancit today and you should have some of it," my mother in law greets me at the door. My will succumbs to surrendering to their invitation to eat because I have to be polite to accept their offer in exchange for the free daycare service provided to Maddy.
Even though I had a really late fast food lunch and I am trying to hurry home before drunken exhaustion makes me incapable of driving back home safely, I am engaged into a chatty conversation with my in-laws over a plate of home cooked pancit (Filipino stir fry noodles, similar to Chinese chow mein) and a can of caffeine free Coke. "Out of all the days, why does the Coke served to me have to be caffeine free?," I lamented to myself. As soon as I finished my tiny portion, I hear "You only ate that? Why don't you eat some more? You didn't really eat any and there is a lot of pancit," my father in law offered.
By the time I arrived home (from running errands) at 8pm and parked my car in the garage, I turned around and saw that Maddy was sound asleep in her carseat. I was so tired that if I didn't unbuckle myself from the driver's seat, I too would have fallen asleep in the car. Erwil was already home and he took all of our belongings out of the car.
All I remember was that I told Erwil that I would give Maddy a bath before she sleeps, then I would take a shower after and eat leftovers for dinner. But when I laid my body down on the futon in Maddy's nursery, I passed out. The feeling is very similar to having jet-lag! I just hit a solid brick wall of exhaustion and I felt so incapable to break through it. Dead tired, I fell into a deep slumber without knowing what happened to the rest of the evening. I didn't hear Maddy's babbling or crying. I didn't hear Erwil read her a story. All I knew is that when I woke up from my "nap" it was already 3:30am, lights out, and I am still on the futon stuck to my dirty clothes. While Maddy is sleeping peacefully in her crib, Erwil is snoring away in the master bedroom. How did I miss the opportunity to shower off all that sweaty layer of body scum and eat a warm dinner?
I woke up and took my shower and microwaved a small portion of dinner, only to run into another issue--I cannot fall asleep...AT ALL! (This is why I'm up, wide awake and blogging away.) Disappointed that it's already 5:19am and my alarm is set to ring at 6am, I wonder what my plan of strategy will be. I know all too well that at any given moment, Maddy will rise out of her slumber demanding a diaper change, a fresh bottle of milk and to play with her sleep-deprived mommy. The broken sleep pattern is causing me to have a terrible headache. Do I just try and attempt a cat nap, or do I just keep myself awake for the next 12 hours?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Then And Now
In order to fully appreciate what Christ has done for me, it is important that I acknowledge what my life was like before Christ became my Savior and Lord.
Titus 3:3-5 "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit..."
The words "at one time" can be applied to too many areas of my life, and I ask myself what kinds of passions and pleasures ruled over my life before Jesus Christ set me free?
At one time...
What did I do to deserve God's kindness and love? What did I do to deserve Jesus Christ dying for me? Nothing. I did nothing to make myself right with God and yet He was still kind and loving to me.
Now I have a different heart because Jesus Christ really turned my eyes to see that I need Him in my life. I am undoubtedly overflowing with gratitude that the almighty and merciful God had given me a new hope and reason to have true joy and peace. When I was lost it was Jesus who saved me, not because of any good thing that I had done, but because of God's great mercy and love.
Titus 3:3-5 "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit..."
The words "at one time" can be applied to too many areas of my life, and I ask myself what kinds of passions and pleasures ruled over my life before Jesus Christ set me free?
At one time...
- I wrestled with depression after college. I smiled and looked happy on the outside, but inside I felt so lonely, aimless and self-destructive.
- I struggled with lusting after expensive material things. I was a such a poor steward of my money. I was so enslaved by it that Mastercard and Visa bills piled up to no end.
- I held deep seated grudges against my family members for their short comings instead of being loving and forgiving.
- I loved to gossip. My ears were wide open to listening to it and my mouth was not bridled.
- I didn't guard my heart and I went through cycles of bad relationships.
- I was selfish and I wasn't a good friend. I was too self-absorbed to notice what was going on with my loved ones and my closest friends.
- I became lazy and overly complacent about my health.
- I chased ambitious endeavors which were not God-centered.
- I was so quick-tempered, critical and judgmental of myself and of other people.
- I was arrogant, argumentative, and unappreciative.
- I thought I was smart and wise enough not to live by God's Word.
- I spent too much time worrying and trying hard to gain the approval and praise of many people instead of pleasing God.
- I took credit for everything good that happened to my life instead of giving the credit to the Sovereign God above.
- I hated those people who always talked about loving and praising God. I thought they were dumb, brainwashed, and deluded. Godly people were such losers in my eyes because I thought that they needed to cling onto something bigger than they were to just to satisfy their need to feel important and loved.
- I bar-hopped and club-hopped on Friday and Saturdays, but on Sundays I church-hopped.
- I was really a Christian Agnostic. I thought that going to church and believing God only for the upright moral teachings without necessarily believing that the entire Bible is inerrant.
- I hated listening to Bible messages and found it so rude and offensive when people tried to talk to me about the love and kindness of God because it only highlighted how sinfully offensive my attitude and actions were towards God.
- I professed that I was a Christian, but my actions were ungodly. I was not bearing any fruits of the Holy Spirit. I hated Christian hypocrites, yet I didn't see myself as one. Talk about pot calling the kettle back!
What did I do to deserve God's kindness and love? What did I do to deserve Jesus Christ dying for me? Nothing. I did nothing to make myself right with God and yet He was still kind and loving to me.
Now I have a different heart because Jesus Christ really turned my eyes to see that I need Him in my life. I am undoubtedly overflowing with gratitude that the almighty and merciful God had given me a new hope and reason to have true joy and peace. When I was lost it was Jesus who saved me, not because of any good thing that I had done, but because of God's great mercy and love.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Supremacy
It's one thing to say that Christ has first place in our life. It is quite another thing to put these words into practice. Before I can say that Christ has authority in my life, it's important that I understand who Jesus Christ is that I may turn my life and my will over to Him.
Faith cannot be confused with any kind foolishness. Part of my problem in the past is that I have been putting my faith and my trust foolishly in other people, my college degree, man's wisdom, career, finances, physical capability, and material things that are all unworthy of my confidence and trust. So often I put my faith and trust in things that will not last. Jesus Christ is the only one who is altogether faithful and worthy of my trust.
Who is Jesus Christ? In Colossians 1:15-20 says, "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that ineverything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on hearth or things in heaven, by making peache through his blood, shed on the cross."
How humbling this is for me to grasp this truth about Jesus Christ having this supremacy, and what He has done for me.
How can I even think that I have equal footing with Jesus Christ?
I don't even come close by any measure.
Faith cannot be confused with any kind foolishness. Part of my problem in the past is that I have been putting my faith and my trust foolishly in other people, my college degree, man's wisdom, career, finances, physical capability, and material things that are all unworthy of my confidence and trust. So often I put my faith and trust in things that will not last. Jesus Christ is the only one who is altogether faithful and worthy of my trust.
Who is Jesus Christ? In Colossians 1:15-20 says, "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that ineverything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on hearth or things in heaven, by making peache through his blood, shed on the cross."
How humbling this is for me to grasp this truth about Jesus Christ having this supremacy, and what He has done for me.
How can I even think that I have equal footing with Jesus Christ?
I don't even come close by any measure.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Biggest Loser
Oh my goodness! Please don't laugh or be judgmental about what I'm about to share. I was just invited by my old high school friend, who I first met at Stephen M. White's PE class in the 8th grade, to join their Biggest Loser contest.
I don't mean biggest "loser" as in being socially inept, but the context of "loser" as in going from dangerously obese to healthy. Let me just tell you how challenged and motivated I am to knock down at the very least, 10 pounds. This challenge prompted me to start losing the pounds because I just saw the CPYF retreat pictures of myself posted on Facebook by my friends in the youth group. I'm pretty sure that they won't mind me untagging myself from almost all of the 200 x 4 pictures they posted with their fancy-schmancy high definition cameras. They posted at least 200 pictures each, so it's hard to find every single picture. I wish there was a "crop feature" on Facebook because rather than untagging, I wished I could just completely remove my image from the pictures.
Not to sound shallow about myself, but I honestly felt so embarrassed knowing that I can do a much better job of taking care of my health. I used to be more diet and workout conscious. There are a lot of sacrificial changes to make each day because I need to set a good example for Maddy and Erwil. Taking good care of my health is a way that know that I can be a good witness to my family, not just tell my family to eat healthy. You can't preach what you aren't practicing yourself. That's just so hypocritical! This isn't about me and how I look. Although restoring my body back to good health does have perks. Losing weight would mean that I can once again wear my engagement and wedding band again, once I get back down to my original size and body frame that God intended for me to have. This is about doing what's right for my family, and ultimately doing what's right in God's sight.
We've been learning a lot about sanctification and purity in the CPYF Sunday School class and during our College & Career Bible studies. It is such a necessary part of being a disciple of Jesus Christ. When I ponder about my own sin, I would have to say that the biggest nugget of sin holding me back from glorifying God has been what I do with my body. I have no self-control to stop eating unhealthy food and I definitely stopped sweating off those calories. Yes, gluttony! Yes, I'm a sloth! There I said it! It's not easy admitting how weak I am in this struggle over my lack of self-control.
The Lord is really inspiring me to make simple but authentic changes. We're talking about taking those initial baby steps, since baby steps is all about I can handle right now. The Lord knows where my heart is failing. In 1 Corinthians 6:19 Apostle Paul wrote, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I feel so utterly and deeply convicted in knowing that I need to deal with my weight problem. It's not just a weight problem that I have, it's also a problem within my heart that harbors laziness, carelessness, indulging and not caring to deal with the natural consequences of my sin.
My prayer is that I learn to allow God to take control in every aspect of my life--even my health. I pray that during this second attempt to lose weight that I won't easily get discouraged. So I just hope that I'll find much support and encouragement from my closest family and friends in the days ahead. Self-control is definitely a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so it will be the Holy Spirit that will enable me to overcome my sin.
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Galatians 5:16
I don't mean biggest "loser" as in being socially inept, but the context of "loser" as in going from dangerously obese to healthy. Let me just tell you how challenged and motivated I am to knock down at the very least, 10 pounds. This challenge prompted me to start losing the pounds because I just saw the CPYF retreat pictures of myself posted on Facebook by my friends in the youth group. I'm pretty sure that they won't mind me untagging myself from almost all of the 200 x 4 pictures they posted with their fancy-schmancy high definition cameras. They posted at least 200 pictures each, so it's hard to find every single picture. I wish there was a "crop feature" on Facebook because rather than untagging, I wished I could just completely remove my image from the pictures.
Not to sound shallow about myself, but I honestly felt so embarrassed knowing that I can do a much better job of taking care of my health. I used to be more diet and workout conscious. There are a lot of sacrificial changes to make each day because I need to set a good example for Maddy and Erwil. Taking good care of my health is a way that know that I can be a good witness to my family, not just tell my family to eat healthy. You can't preach what you aren't practicing yourself. That's just so hypocritical! This isn't about me and how I look. Although restoring my body back to good health does have perks. Losing weight would mean that I can once again wear my engagement and wedding band again, once I get back down to my original size and body frame that God intended for me to have. This is about doing what's right for my family, and ultimately doing what's right in God's sight.
We've been learning a lot about sanctification and purity in the CPYF Sunday School class and during our College & Career Bible studies. It is such a necessary part of being a disciple of Jesus Christ. When I ponder about my own sin, I would have to say that the biggest nugget of sin holding me back from glorifying God has been what I do with my body. I have no self-control to stop eating unhealthy food and I definitely stopped sweating off those calories. Yes, gluttony! Yes, I'm a sloth! There I said it! It's not easy admitting how weak I am in this struggle over my lack of self-control.
The Lord is really inspiring me to make simple but authentic changes. We're talking about taking those initial baby steps, since baby steps is all about I can handle right now. The Lord knows where my heart is failing. In 1 Corinthians 6:19 Apostle Paul wrote, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I feel so utterly and deeply convicted in knowing that I need to deal with my weight problem. It's not just a weight problem that I have, it's also a problem within my heart that harbors laziness, carelessness, indulging and not caring to deal with the natural consequences of my sin.
My prayer is that I learn to allow God to take control in every aspect of my life--even my health. I pray that during this second attempt to lose weight that I won't easily get discouraged. So I just hope that I'll find much support and encouragement from my closest family and friends in the days ahead. Self-control is definitely a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so it will be the Holy Spirit that will enable me to overcome my sin.
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Galatians 5:16
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Writer's Atrophy
I did so much shopping this week that there is literally no more room in our house to store all of the things I bought. I went to Target and Walmart to stock up on my annual school supplies for my class of students. I couldn't help myself to grabbing whatever my shopping cart could hold--plastic pencil boxes, dry erase markers, Crayola markers, Crayola colored pencils and composition books. Sadly, the only thing I didn't get to pick up are the colored folders with the 3-prong fasteners. I pick up these particular type of folders every year for my students because this is where they organize their writing portfolio for the entire school year. Actually this blog isn't about my students, just in case you were thinking I was going in that direction.
While I was shopping for school supplies, I saw some really pretty girly-girl notebooks and fancy ballpoint pens. Target sells the Hello Kitty composition books. I was so tempted to buy a couple notebooks for myself as a treat. For a moment, I thought about what I'd use the notebooks and pens for, but in the end I just ended up putting the items back on the shelf. I know I could use it for writing, but wondered sadly why I don't have much time for writing my thoughts down anymore.
Ever since I was a little girl Hello Kitty mania took over me. It brought me back to the memories of keeping a Hello Kitty diary under lock and key. Throughout grade school and even well into the years after I graduated from college, I took time writing poems, essays, angry rants, unsent letters, and songs. I sketched and colored the pages. I maintained a personal portfolio of writing because it was fun. I collected profound quotes and even glued down great fortune cookie proverbs. I felt so energized building a collage of words onto paper.
Admitting to myself that I haven't made any time for good old paper and pen writing made me feel so old and tired. What's even worse is not the lack of time, but that fearful feeling that I have nothing much to write about anymore. As of lately I find clever ideas, but nothing inspires me deeply enough to push the thoughts onto paper anymore. The feeling is almost like delivering a still-born child. What could it be the cause of it? It's writer's atrophy, plain and simple. I just haven't exercised my writing muscles even though there are so many thoughts going through my mind and heartfelt experiences that have been welling up inside of me. It doesn't feel good to me at all.
So I made a resolution to myself that I would take more time journaling just the old fashioned way. No laptop computer. No blogging and waiting for reader hits to tally up. No fancy spell checks. No added flavors or preservatives. I'll write with just the simple ingredients of pen, paper and my heart.
While I was shopping for school supplies, I saw some really pretty girly-girl notebooks and fancy ballpoint pens. Target sells the Hello Kitty composition books. I was so tempted to buy a couple notebooks for myself as a treat. For a moment, I thought about what I'd use the notebooks and pens for, but in the end I just ended up putting the items back on the shelf. I know I could use it for writing, but wondered sadly why I don't have much time for writing my thoughts down anymore.
Ever since I was a little girl Hello Kitty mania took over me. It brought me back to the memories of keeping a Hello Kitty diary under lock and key. Throughout grade school and even well into the years after I graduated from college, I took time writing poems, essays, angry rants, unsent letters, and songs. I sketched and colored the pages. I maintained a personal portfolio of writing because it was fun. I collected profound quotes and even glued down great fortune cookie proverbs. I felt so energized building a collage of words onto paper.
Admitting to myself that I haven't made any time for good old paper and pen writing made me feel so old and tired. What's even worse is not the lack of time, but that fearful feeling that I have nothing much to write about anymore. As of lately I find clever ideas, but nothing inspires me deeply enough to push the thoughts onto paper anymore. The feeling is almost like delivering a still-born child. What could it be the cause of it? It's writer's atrophy, plain and simple. I just haven't exercised my writing muscles even though there are so many thoughts going through my mind and heartfelt experiences that have been welling up inside of me. It doesn't feel good to me at all.
So I made a resolution to myself that I would take more time journaling just the old fashioned way. No laptop computer. No blogging and waiting for reader hits to tally up. No fancy spell checks. No added flavors or preservatives. I'll write with just the simple ingredients of pen, paper and my heart.
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